Pen and Flow

My uncle calls it a beautiful lie.
“Don’t tell anyone,” he reminded us at the hospital.
“阿 Yin can’t take it.” 

By now, the secret is over a year and half old. Since 阿爺 passed away two years ago, her health began to deteriorate and over time, it was discovered that 阿 Yin has a form of uterine cancer. And out of love and protection, the truth about her condition won’t be revealed to her.

Maybe you’ve watched The Farewell. Well, I am living it for real. In Chinese culture, and among other Asian cultures, it is not uncommon to conceal the truth about a cancer diagnosis to keep your loved one from a painful reality. Some may see this dishonesty as unethical, as outright wrong – how can you rob one the knowledge of their own body and their decision making autonomy? We would never know what 阿 Yin wants because she will never be given the choice. Does that remove her dignity as a person? Or is this silent sacrifice a familial act of love? That to spare a loved one of distressing news and an intolerable reality, we choose to take on the burden ourselves. That even in their last days, they can carry the expectation of recovery, the hope of returning home, and pass without fear or the weight of knowing. And for the family, even if it means to put on a pretense, to cry behind closed doors and grieve in secrecy, it is a selfless act of care.

I’m not sure that I’ve been processing this. How can I? It’s a strange feeling to hold while my life continues to move as clockwork. I have such respect for the way my family is choosing to approach this time in our lives. It is showing me the ways love can be shown, even in invisible ways, that can nevertheless be powerful and meaningful. 

My hope is that despite all the ways we continue to love in quiet – humbly, without asking for much, that we equally have the courage to love out loud. That we can also allow love to spill over and to let it be seen, as if it cannot be contained. Maybe this time love is a beautiful lie, a quiet understanding, and maybe the next time love is shouted across the rooftops.

Maybe we can be brave enough to hold both.